I was lying in bed the
other day, depressed about my life and the direction it was heading in. I had
difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions. I was
fatigued and I had decreased energy. This feeling of guilt, worthlessness, and
helplessness would overwhelm me. Feelings of hopelessness and pessimism,
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness and sometimes excessive sleeping were
always present. I was irritable and restless. I lost interest in all activities
and hobbies I once found pleasurable, including sex. I was overeating and I had
these annoying persistent aches and pains. I felt sad, anxious, and even empty.
At times I had even thought of suicide.
I decided it was
time to talk to my doctor about Blahmorozone. “Doctor, a commercial told me to
ask you about Blahmorozone. Can this drug help me with my depression symptoms?
Is this drug right for me?” “Sure” - he said. “Great, I want to take this
wonderful pill; this way I stop feeling depressed. I want to feel good again,
like that old couple walking on the beach in the commercial.” However, like
everything good, there is a downside to this wonder-pill. This pill had a few
side effects. So what? How dangerous could it be? After all, I saw the
commercial on TV, they would never advertise something that is not safe. The
drug was approved by the FDA and it is a known fact that pharmaceutical drugs are
good for you and 100% safe. The price we pay is fully justified and all of the
money goes to paying for rent and staff for these giant research and
development companies. These guys are barely getting by, living from paycheck
to paycheck, all for the good of humanity. These are the good guys, selling
good drugs. The bad drugs are sold by evil men. They are all criminals and all
they want to do is get rich while making us buy something we don’t really need.
They use their money to make more drugs that are not essential. They want you
to get addicted. The price we pay is ridiculously high and all of it goes in
the pockets of corrupt politicians, immoral lobbyists, and shady marketing
teams whose sole mission is to shove these drugs down our throats. These are
the bad guys, selling bad drugs. Wait… What…? I think I got some details
wrong!? Or is it the other way around? I don’t know, whatever! All I know
is that Blahmorozone was going to make me feel better with only a few side
effects.
This
is what the website said: Blahmorozone May Cause Artificial insemination,
Extreme nausea, Profuse sweating, Explosive diarrhea, Tooth decay, Bone
softening , Profane language, Naval discharge, Bloody stool, Upset stomach,
Pounding headache, Migraine, Homicidal behavior, Baldness, Male breast growth,
Lactation, Dementia, Amnesia, Inability to smell or taste, Blindness, Paranoia,
Hallucinations, Depression, Insomnia, Anal leakage, Anal
ventriloquism.
Mild schizophrenia, Psychotic tendencies, Skin discoloration, Suicidal
thoughts, Homicidal thoughts, Dry mouth, Craving for human flesh, Impotence,
Spontaneous combustion, and in some cases death is reported.
See, if this drug
company was shady, they would never share this information with me. My drug
dealer in college never told me that my weed smoke may cause Moderate dry
mouth, Extreme munching, Laziness, Inability to stop watching funny movies,
Excessive laughing, Enhanced conversation about things that make absolutely no
sense and Spontaneous afternoon naps! If he did, I would have never used this
evil herb that grows naturally in nature. God knows what evil chemicals grow
out of the earth! No sir, not for me. What’s next, Yoga? If your best
pharmaceutical companies in the country have not produced it, I want nothing to
do with it. How else would I know what is best for me unless billions of
dollars are spent in unethical advertisement, and corrupt lobbying
processes? I would much rather get safe drugs from the corner store than
unsafe drugs from the corner boys.
Kids nowadays have it
so easy. They don’t even have to pay for dangerous drugs from a shady drug
dealer. All they have to do is open their medicine cabinet and get safe, FDA
approved drugs for free. Healthy drugs too, like cigarettes back in
the 50's with no warning label!
DISCLAMER: The events
depicted in this blog are purely fictional and do not represent reality.
Needless to say these thoughts are mine and mine alone and no one else's;
everyone that says otherwise is just itching for a fight. I am not
promoting drug use (legal or illegal); they are bad for you. ALL DRUGS ARE BAD.
Reading this Blog might cause: Irritability, Confusion, Light chuckling, Ironic
responses, and Rude behavior. A need to comment and share this blog will come
over you. If these thoughts persist for more than four hours, please contact
your physician. As I keep writing this disclaimer the letters
get smaller and smaller and if you are still reading this you need to get a
life.
