Blahmorozone

I was lying in bed the other day, depressed about my life and the direction it was heading in. I had difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions. I was fatigued and I had decreased energy. This feeling of guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness would overwhelm me. Feelings of hopelessness and pessimism, insomnia, early-morning wakefulness and sometimes excessive sleeping were always present. I was irritable and restless. I lost interest in all activities and hobbies I once found pleasurable, including sex. I was overeating and I had these annoying persistent aches and pains. I felt sad, anxious, and even empty. At times I had even thought of suicide.

 I decided it was time to talk to my doctor about Blahmorozone. “Doctor, a commercial told me to ask you about Blahmorozone. Can this drug help me with my depression symptoms? Is this drug right for me?” “Sure” - he said. “Great, I want to take this wonderful pill; this way I stop feeling depressed. I want to feel good again, like that old couple walking on the beach in the commercial.” However, like everything good, there is a downside to this wonder-pill. This pill had a few side effects. So what? How dangerous could it be? After all, I saw the commercial on TV, they would never advertise something that is not safe. The drug was approved by the FDA and it is a known fact that pharmaceutical drugs are good for you and 100% safe. The price we pay is fully justified and all of the money goes to paying for rent and staff for these giant research and development companies. These guys are barely getting by, living from paycheck to paycheck, all for the good of humanity. These are the good guys, selling good drugs. The bad drugs are sold by evil men. They are all criminals and all they want to do is get rich while making us buy something we don’t really need. They use their money to make more drugs that are not essential. They want you to get addicted. The price we pay is ridiculously high and all of it goes in the pockets of corrupt politicians, immoral lobbyists, and shady marketing teams whose sole mission is to shove these drugs down our throats. These are the bad guys, selling bad drugs. Wait… What…? I think I got some details wrong!? Or is it the other way around? I don’t know, whatever!  All I know is that Blahmorozone was going to make me feel better with only a few side effects.

This is what the website said: Blahmorozone May Cause Artificial insemination, Extreme nausea, Profuse sweating, Explosive diarrhea, Tooth decay, Bone softening , Profane language, Naval discharge, Bloody stool, Upset stomach, Pounding headache, Migraine, Homicidal behavior, Baldness, Male breast growth, Lactation, Dementia, Amnesia, Inability to smell or taste, Blindness, Paranoia, Hallucinations, Depression, Insomnia, Anal leakage, Anal ventriloquism. Mild schizophrenia, Psychotic tendencies, Skin discoloration, Suicidal thoughts, Homicidal thoughts, Dry mouth, Craving for human flesh, Impotence, Spontaneous combustion, and  in some cases death is reported.  

See, if this drug company was shady, they would never share this information with me. My drug dealer in college never told me that my weed smoke may cause Moderate dry mouth, Extreme munching, Laziness, Inability to stop watching funny movies, Excessive laughing, Enhanced conversation about things that make absolutely no sense and Spontaneous afternoon naps! If he did, I would have never used this evil herb that grows naturally in nature. God knows what evil chemicals grow out of the earth! No sir, not for me. What’s next, Yoga? If your best pharmaceutical companies in the country have not produced it, I want nothing to do with it. How else would I know what is best for me unless billions of dollars are spent in unethical advertisement, and corrupt lobbying processes?  I would much rather get safe drugs from the corner store than unsafe drugs from the corner boys.

Kids nowadays have it so easy. They don’t even have to pay for dangerous drugs from a shady drug dealer. All they have to do is open their medicine cabinet and get safe, FDA approved drugs for free. Healthy drugs too, like cigarettes back in the 50's with no warning label! 

DISCLAMER: The events depicted in this blog are purely fictional and do not represent reality. Needless to say these thoughts are mine and mine alone and no one else's; everyone that says otherwise is just itching for a fight. I am not promoting drug use (legal or illegal); they are bad for you. ALL DRUGS ARE BAD. Reading this Blog might cause: Irritability, Confusion, Light chuckling, Ironic responses, and Rude behavior. A need to comment and share this blog will come over you. If these thoughts persist for more than four hours, please contact your physician. As I keep writing this disclaimer the letters get smaller and smaller and if you are still reading this you need to get a life.